life is too painful
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Saturday Jan 30, 2010fridays are the worst
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Friday Jan 29, 2010Sometimes we would have plans for the weekend. He used to call me at 4 or so every Friday. The last time he called was to yell and scream about some crap his bastard friend put into his head (I think you get the hint by now that there is a particular heathen “friend” of his that I find vile and evil and for whom I find great use for the imprecatory psalms). When I looked down that day and saw his number on my phone, I was so happy when I picked up the phone. That was the last happy moment of our marriage. I curse that meddling man. I pray he never has a moment’s happiness in his own marriage for fouling the happiness of another.
We had our problems. We might have divorced anyways. This might be for my ultimate good. In fact it is more than “might,” I trust that God IS working this for my ultimate good. But God still judged the armies that He himself used to judge Israel, for their own evil and wickedness, though God uses wickedness for good for His Elect.
My husband probably reads this blog from time to time. Maybe not. That person is no friend of yours. He will ruin other things for you. Bad company corrupts good morals and what fellowship hath darkness with light if indeed you are a Christian. Being so closely tied to a heathen and allowing such a person to interfere in your convenant with the wife of your youth will bring nothing but judgment in the long run.
Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling and bear fruits worthy of righteousness. Can you stand before God and say that you treated your wife as Christ loves the Church? Yeah right. And pigs might fly out of my rear.
been doing poorly
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Thursday Jan 28, 2010Went to see my doctor about my backslide into deeper depression, need some medication that my insurance doesn’t cover… so that is why I will be silent for a bit. I can’t afford the medication, so I really don’t know what to do right now. Anyways, more when I feel more chipper. I dragged myself out of bed to go to work today. Life hurts.
I’m not broken… I’m shattered.
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Monday Jan 25, 2010I found something on another blog dealing with a break-up. A lot was going on there that obviously doesn’t apply to me, but there were some common things, and just universal truths I think in this situation. So I have plucked some thoughts out as they express a lot of what I have and am going through.
You say you love me… but you don’t. You love someone I can’t be, you love someone you want me to be, but you don’t love who I am, in fact, you hate me.
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you expected, everything you wanted from me is everything that I could never be, that is why it’s so frustrating for you, I understand, but you don’t love me. You love someone I can’t be.
We have to carry on.
I have to carry on, because I can’t live this way…
I’m not broken… I’m shattered.
darkness, darkness
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Monday Jan 25, 2010I am progressively getting more and more depressed. It is as if I stop for a second doing something I just sit dazed and frozen, and my mind is constantly digging in its heels to stop and throw me of course of whatever project I am doing at the moment. It is so hard to snap out of it. Intellectually I know that I could not live as we were before; it was intolerable. But in the absence I have created this idealized version of my husband with all his wonderful points and none of the horrid ones, and I just don’t want to be alone—but I realize also that this person doesn’t exist right now. He’s still “in there” but not for me. We couldn’t keep on going as we were, and I don’t want to keep on going alone.
Darkness, darkness, be my pillow
Take my hand and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow
In the silence of your deep
Darkness darkness, hide my yearning
For the things that cannot be
Keep my mind from constant turning
Towards the things I cannot see now
Towards the things I cannot see now
The things I cannot see now
Darkness darkness, long and lonesome
Is the day that brings me here
I have found the edge of sadness
I have known the depths of fear
Darkness darkness, be my blanket
Cover me with the endless night
Take away away the pain of knowing
Fill the emptiness of right now
The emptiness of right now
Fill the emptiness of right now
Darkness darkness, be my pillow
Take my hand and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow
In the silence of your deep
Darkness, darkness, be my blanket
Cover me with the endlesss night
Take away away the pain of knowing
Fill the emptiness of right now
In the emptiness of right now
In the emptiness of right now
relapse
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Wednesday Jan 20, 2010I think I went back to work too early. My eye flared up again. In hindsight, I should have taken a half-day. I have this goofy sleep mask (maybe I will post a picture later) that I have been wearing around the house that blocks out 100% of the light to give my eye a rest. The bedroom needs black-out curtains, I might venture out when it is dark to BB&B to see if there is an inexpensive pair. Most of the ones I have seen are $100, and I can’t afford that, but light just streams into the bedroom so that I have to sleep on the couch to avoid irritating my eyes when I am not wearing the sleep mask (and it tends to come off if I am restless in my sleep). The couch is fine for a nap; not so much for an good full night’s sleep for days at a time.
So, I will be back in tomorrow, but if I start feeling strained, I will work only a half-day. Or perhaps it is just one of those things that it will flare up again on Friday, I dunno. I am sure the weekend off will give it much needed rest, and next week should be normal.
Flying a bit low
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Tuesday Jan 19, 2010can’t go in to work tomorrow
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Sunday Jan 17, 2010Unfortunately, even though my condition is much improved, I have to keep my eye dilated until the redness is gone in order to control the pain and avoid inflaming situations. I hope that this will be rapid. So now I not only have a red eye, but one with a HUGE pupil.
God’s Marching Orders
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Sunday Jan 17, 2010Today, I really felt the awesome presence of God when reading a collection of essays defending the penal substitution model of the atonement (which I do hold, by the way), and an overwhelming need to pray for those who are causing me strife was laid upon me. That doesn’t mean I can’t kvetch to get things off my chest, just be sure to pray just as much. It is the greater portion. Be more of a Mary and less of a Martha. God will work it all out. By worrying one cannot add one second to one’s days or force God to move any differently than He has already ordained.
Okay tired of the grungy pics
Posted by wet bird | Under Uncategorized Saturday Jan 16, 2010I still have the evil eye, but at least I am not all grungified. I am off to the female happy hunting grounds, otherwise known as the mall, to do some window-gawking.
And I keep mentioning the parrot that I have been bonding with… here are some pics.
