wet birds don't fly at night |

Syd has aspergillosis, an aggressive fungal lung infection. I am very worried about her. She has trouble breathing. She will be on medication for a month at least but at least I get to sneak it in via vanilla pudding, one of her favourite treats. I try to let her sleep with me on nights when I have time because she finds that very comforting.

I have been sleeping a lot lately, which is hard for me, because I like to be busy, busy, busy. But what an awesome stress releaser. Today I spent the morning through earlier afternoon with my fiancé who is just awesome to me. I said, “Oh I wrote a few Apple articles this week, but I didn’t send you the links because I didn’t want to bother you,” and he was like, “I want to read what you write. I like seeing your opinions and how you think.” That is so awesome (I know, I over-use that word, but it is the pizza of words, a perfect fit).

I got a copy of the Internal Affairs report, and he lied like a bearskin rug. If I needed further proof of his unregenerate state, I sure got it. Maybe I will write more about it in specifics when I am not quite so angry. I am spending my time remembering that justice is the Lord’s and He shall repay. If my earthly father would have stood up for me and my honour, how much moreso my Heavenly Father? I can no longer look at law enforcement officers with such rosy-coloured glasses any longer. He was complicit in his lies in the IA report with his buddies in blue. They protect each other first, and the citizens second. I have a heavy feeling that I should do something. But unless God puts me in a circumstance in which it is clear in a way I should, I am leaving things to Him. Palm Beach County’s finest, my rear end!

I had been inquiring about the status of the Internal Affairs investigation into the behaviour of my ex in the domestic incident with me. I had been given wrong information that it was still pending which surprised me because he was put back on the road, though he was put back on the road before PBSO ever bothered to interview me. I will be getting a copy of the file. Why? It helps me to see his lies. It reminds me of why the divorce was the best thing. Depending upon the lies, I may write a letter of protest. NOT because I think he should have been fired because of what happened with me (though now after TWO incidents, actually three, two with me and one with his girlfriend) I do think so. But because it troubles me deeply that a person in a place of public trust gets away with lying in an investigation. Perhaps he didn’t lie. Perhaps I will be shocked, and in which case I will offer a public apology for assuming he did. But I am not quite as hopelessly optimistic as I used to be. He stole that from me. I volunteered to take a lie detector test. If there are lies in the investigation, and I decide to write a letter of protest, I will quite assertively push for lie detector tests on both of us and copy the letter to Sheriff Ric Bradshaw. Police officers shouldn’t lie. People’s lives are at stake.

*they confused my case with the pending case involving his girlfriend which apparently is still open. When that case is closed I will be asking for a copy as well to compare any similarities with mine, and to see if the same lies told about me were told about the girlfriend.

I loved him so much. But I guess he didn’t really love me. He would get offended when I asked if he loved me after he treated me badly. He claimed that meant I didn’t trust him, with the implicit threat that if I didn’t trust him, he might as well leave. So I was psychologically bullied into silence into even exploring those problems with him. In hindsight, it is all so wrong and dsyfunctional. I should be grateful that he has lied so much. It removes any longing for reconciliation. Without a huge work of God, he is untrustworthy. The sad thing is that I know his powers of justification, and I am sure that he has convinced himself he is right. But not in his inner being where the still small voice of the Spirit is convicting of sin.

A lot to do. No, we haven’t set a date yet. We have two households to combine, which involves a lot of work. Depending upon how long we want to wait, we might have to keep two separate households until it all gets straightened out. My new job is going very well, but VERY busy. I am not quite used to this level of intensity, so at the end of the day, I come home and take very long naps out of exhaustion. That is better than before where I was unhappy and was coming home to take naps out of depression. I will get used to the higher activity level, and that is awesome. My fiancé is an awesome kind man who absolutely adores me. I sometimes have to struggle to actually believe it. I am not used to being accepted and liked for who I am. For being seen as cute and beautiful in my fashion choices rather than a source of embarrassment. He actually reads articles I write! And has listened to podcasts! We can sit for about an hour and just read our respective books!

People ask if I am “over” the divorce. The answer is yes and no. Yes, I have to be. Life goes on, and God only gives us a limited number. I can’t waste my time looking back or longing for something that will never be. No, I will never be. I don’t think anyone who truly loved their spouse, and I loved Marcel beyond words, ever “gets over” a divorce. You move on. You have to. Though this question still echoes through my mind:

Why didn’t you love me?

There will always be that echo of sadness. But I have learned over the past ten years that I am MUCH stronger than I thought I was.

My boyfriend has proposed, and I accepted. He took me to a sanctuary at the Church, we prayed, and then he proposed. It was beautiful. I ruined my makeup through tears of joy.

I LOVE my new job. It is in the same field, but the environment is much more suited to me. I am working with an old friend which made things so much easier. I only got in trouble once for a clothing violation. The skirt was too short. I realized that as I ran out of the house, but I was running late. The skirt actually wasn’t too short, my butt was too big, and I could get it over the butt hump so it kept riding up. I threw on some tights so too much leg would show, but it was too short, and I was uncomfortable all day. It was good motivation to lose some junk in the trunk though.

Reunion Group is also going very well. And my relationship with my boyfriend is moving towards marriage which was always my goal in dating. We still hope to start a family.

I am back involved with Via de Cristo, and it feels like coming home. I am in a new Reunion Group, and I hope that it results in some spiritual growth. I am ready. I hope.

I finished reading Stephen King’s Bag of Bones. Here is my review.

I am starting of a reading of the Brittanica’s selection on the French Revolution. Heads R gonna roll.

Animals are God’s special gift to us. Whenever I am down, I grab Sydney, and her sweet birdie love cheers me up.