wet birds don't fly at night |

If he can’t treat me right, I am sure I won’t have to search too far for someone who will. But if you like it, then you’d better put a ring on it

My husband’s discovery was due today. I reminded his attorney multiple times; and as usual; he ignored the emails. Now, the deadline has passed. I am so tired of the petty and stupid games, so I will be filing a motion to compel with the Court. I wish I could say I am surprised, but I am not.

Okay a few days ago I had mentioned something that I had found out/confirmed something that was weighing heavy on my mind. I didn’t know whether to share this or not, but I have been transparent thus far, and this is how I cope. Let me say right up front that I don’t blame or condemn anyone for what happened. We are all a screwed-up people, and we are doing the best we can. I guess I can best tell this through the emails that were exchanged (with names obscured). The first email is to my mother’s best friend who I found on Facebook (I didn’t know how to contact her until then). I am named after her. (My mother has been deceased for a decade now):

Hi ****, it is great to hear from you. I don’t know if you know but my father passed away as well a few years ago. The question may seem odd, but it was something I had told myself that I was going to inquire about after my dad was gone, but I didn’t know how to contact you. My mom sometimes did things she shouldn’t, and one of those things was to tell me when I was fifteen years old that my dad wasn’t really my dad, and she was pregnant with me and tricked him into marrying her. That is not something to lay on a fifteen year old, and I never forgot it. I never asked her about it further and didn’t tell anyone until after my father was gone because he didn’t need to know that, it would have hurt him too much. But now, I wonder if that was true, and if so, if anyone knows who my father is. I figured of all people she might have told, it would be you. She didn’t ever mention this to my sister. I think my dad suspected because there are no recessive genes in his family and as such, I should not have had green eyes and blonde hair.

Anyways this has bothered me for over twenty-five years now, so I wanted to ask. Maybe she never told anyone but me. She should never have told me. It kinda screwed me up for a while.

Her response:

I am sorry to hear that your dad passed away, I always liked *** – - and how is *** and your ****?
Anyway I am sorry I did not get back to you sooner, I had exercises ****and food shopping, and other errands to do.
In a million years I would have never figured you would ask me that question – -I had completely forgotten – what I can tell you is that your mom told me the same story years ago. He was from ****, I believe and she never told me his name, I did not know him, he did have blonde hair. I cant even remember how she met him, but I don’t believe that they had any kind of relationship, she was on and off with ****, she probably figured the best thing to do was to marry him.
**** was and will always be your father, he loved you and never questioned your mom about you having light eyes or hair. Your mom made some foolish mistakes, but she loved you – -[personal information deleted]
I am sad for you because your mom never should have told you at fifteen and not give you a name . I also am surprised she did not tell your sister, she was close to her, maybe you can approach her again, and that far back I’m wondering if she told *****, she used to talk to him from time to time. Confession is good for the soul, but should not be at the expense of others.- It was a hard decision for me to tell you also, but I think you have the right to know, I hope you can deal with this and realize that both your parents did love you – - If you need to email me to talk about it, you can. I’m just sorry I don’t have more info for you —

I didn’t think this would upset me. I guess I didn’t really believe it. Now, I feel like I don’t really know who I am, where I am from…. do I have other siblings? I cried and cried after receiving this email.

Yeah, I still get bummed. Yeah, he can be a fantastic guy. But you know what? I am an awesomely cool chick that is perfect for someone who will love me and appreciate me for exactly who I am. If he chooses not to repent, not to let go of his abusive controlling jealousy and be a Christian man rather than a child, his loss. When I am not being over-shadowed by emotion and loss, I know this is true. I am so tired of trying to be something I am not. I am not the conservative, quiet, un-opionated, empty-headed doormat that he wanted. Good luck with that. During the last few weeks, he said that I was going to basically be lost and never find a man as good as him. While I love and miss him; I doubt that is true. I have a lot to offer. One day he will realize that he had something very rare and special, and he let her go. Docility can be very cheap, and you get what you pay for. If loving someone doesn’t “cost” you something, it ain’t worth having. I am worth it. And I am darned hawt for my age. Even for someone less than my age. I’ll be singing you bet you wish your girlfriend was hot like me For a geeky apple fangrl.

Sometimes we would have plans for the weekend. He used to call me at 4 or so every Friday. The last time he called was to yell and scream about some crap his bastard friend put into his head (I think you get the hint by now that there is a particular heathen “friend” of his that I find vile and evil and for whom I find great use for the imprecatory psalms). When I looked down that day and saw his number on my phone, I was so happy when I picked up the phone. That was the last happy moment of our marriage. I curse that meddling man. I pray he never has a moment’s happiness in his own marriage for fouling the happiness of another.

We had our problems. We might have divorced anyways. This might be for my ultimate good. In fact it is more than “might,” I trust that God IS working this for my ultimate good. But God still judged the armies that He himself used to judge Israel, for their own evil and wickedness, though God uses wickedness for good for His Elect.

My husband probably reads this blog from time to time. Maybe not. That person is no friend of yours. He will ruin other things for you. Bad company corrupts good morals and what fellowship hath darkness with light if indeed you are a Christian. Being so closely tied to a heathen and allowing such a person to interfere in your convenant with the wife of your youth will bring nothing but judgment in the long run.

Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling and bear fruits worthy of righteousness. Can you stand before God and say that you treated your wife as Christ loves the Church? Yeah right. And pigs might fly out of my rear.

Went to see my doctor about my backslide into deeper depression, need some medication that my insurance doesn’t cover… so that is why I will be silent for a bit. I can’t afford the medication, so I really don’t know what to do right now. Anyways, more when I feel more chipper. I dragged myself out of bed to go to work today. Life hurts.

I found something on another blog dealing with a break-up. A lot was going on there that obviously doesn’t apply to me, but there were some common things, and just universal truths I think in this situation. So I have plucked some thoughts out as they express a lot of what I have and am going through.

You say you love me… but you don’t. You love someone I can’t be, you love someone you want me to be, but you don’t love who I am, in fact, you hate me.

I’m not broken… I’m shattered.

I am progressively getting more and more depressed. It is as if I stop for a second doing something I just sit dazed and frozen, and my mind is constantly digging in its heels to stop and throw me of course of whatever project I am doing at the moment. It is so hard to snap out of it. Intellectually I know that I could not live as we were before; it was intolerable. But in the absence I have created this idealized version of my husband with all his wonderful points and none of the horrid ones, and I just don’t want to be alone—but I realize also that this person doesn’t exist right now. He’s still “in there” but not for me. We couldn’t keep on going as we were, and I don’t want to keep on going alone.

Darkness, darkness, be my pillow
Take my hand and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow
In the silence of your deep